Hello, Dolly!

If you’ve ever wondered, “Where can I go to watch tourists in minivans attempt to turn right from the left lane of a major thoroughfare?” then, friend, do I have an answer for you. It’s a place where dreams and coats of many colors are made of. It’s a little place called Pigeon Forge.

“Really? They turn? Abruptly? Without warning? Across four lanes of  traffic? To get to a go-kart track?” O friend. I’ve seen it more than once, in a little place called... (wait for it)... Pigeon Forge.

A Few Things To Do In Pigeon Forge, Tennessee:

• Enjoy Christmas, because IT IS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME IN PIGEON FORGE TENNESSEE.
• Stand next to the Dollywood sign and take a picture, if the $54 admission fee isn't in your tour budget.
• Jaywalk across 9 lanes of insane traffic to get to, say, a Baskin Robbins superstore. (This one's apparently popular with the locals.)
• Ride in the back of a monster truck. In a circle. Over a bump. The same bump, again and again. Even if you’re a child. A helmetless child.
• Celebrate disasters and gun violence. The Titanic is considered “Family Fun” in Pigeon Forge, at least according to the stage show they run at a model Titanic-shaped building with a genuine fake iceberg embedded in the side. Probably not the most sensitive thing in the world, but… no, actually, come to think of it, it's very insensitive. The same treatment goes for families who kept shooting at each other for generations: the Hattfield and McCoy Live Feuding Shotgun Dinner Theater is also a notable place to find some family fun on the Pigeon Vegas strip. 

All snark aside, the people at Dollywood were extremely nice, and we regret we didn't have the time or funds to see the whole place. The rest of the town has been built up with plenty of eye-popping destination -- we have sore necks from all the double-takes -- and it's all thanks to one very special lady with big hair and a big heart. We blasted Dolly's music all the way up to the park gates, and, as a traveling band of female entertainers, we took comfort and pride in her lyrics and her accomplishments. She's one phenomenal lady, that Dolly Parton.

In short: best detour ever.